This drawing was done by a friend's profoundly autistic son.  He loves to draw.  His teachers use it as a bribe to get him to do stuff he needs to do.  I feel honored to have one of his drawings hanging in my foyer.  Every time I walk by, I think of L drawing that picture.  I can see him… hunched over the table, so intent on the colors and movement…. shutting the rest of the world… just him and the colors. 

While I would never envy autism, I do envy the freedom in L's art.  He draws without concern for what others will think.  He isn't plagued by the question "is it good enough."  His drawings come from his soul.  He draws not to please others, but to satisfy his own inner needs. 

That is what I have to get back to.  My life has changed.  Chronic pain has changed my life.  My life is changing.  There are lots of changes on the horizon… which I am not quite ready to talk about… may not ever be ready to talk about.

I need to stop trying to be who I was and be who I am now.  I keep trying to be who I was because I don't want to disappoint people.  The reality is they aren't getting the old me.  They are getting a second rate imitation.  I need to stop trying to please others with this second rate imitation.  I need to listen to my own inner needs.  It won't be the old me, but I think it will be a better me.  I know it will be a happier me. 

J is the boy who asks for nothing.  When asked what he wants for his birthday,  he will usually suggest a book or a video game, but never anything big, complicated or expensive.  I love that he is so low maintenance and easy going, but I always worry that I don't do enough for him.  C loves the handknit socks I have made for him.  J said he really didn't want any.  His Hanes socks work just fine.  So practical.   When I saw the pattern for this octopus hat on Ravelry, I knew I had to make it for him. 

I even paid for the pattern.  With so many free patterns available online, this is the first time I have paid for a knitting pattern.  OK, it was only $3, but I am not sure it was really worth the three dollars.  The directions were lame.  I ended up just doing my own thing and only using the chart for the octopus design.  In hindsight, I could have drawn that myself.  Oh well. 

This was my first attempt at a large scale color work pattern.  I should have made my floats a bit looser.  I tend to knit very tightly.   I must learn to relax more in my knitting.  Color work is really not difficult.  I used a sticky note to keep track on my place ôn the chart.  The knitting went really fast.

The yarn is Palette from Knitpicks.  It is very smooth and knits easily.  I worried about using a fingering weight yarn for a hat.  It is fine, but I think I would use a slightly heavier yarn if I made another one. 

My son LOVES his hat.  It allows him to proudly display his love of cephalopods while staying toasty warm. 

See the full gallery on Posterous

I would rather be at the beach.  Ok, I would always rather be at the beach, but today, in particular.  The boys went back to school and the husband went back to work.  I didn’t get called to work, but that didn’t mean I sat around eating bon bons.  I am not sure I even had lunch today.  I used my “day off” to catch up on my other job – secretary to the boys and the husband. 

My plan was to knock out a few tasks, then spend the afternoon sewing.  As I plowed through the mountains of paper that arrive in our mailbox, my list of tasks grew.  In addition to the usual cleaning, tidying, etc that has to happen every day, here is what sucked up the rest of my day.

*Balanced credit card statements

*Balanced bank statements

*Paid bills

*Called Verizon to straighten out a billing error

*Called the tour group for the school spring break trip to sort out a reservation issue

*Found receipts for the holiday gifts that need to be returned

*Schedule time on my calendar to run around town to return those gifts

*Emailed the contractor and lumber supplier to sort out the final payment for the new screen porch.  This also required pulling lots of receipts and invoices to verify payments, refunds, etc. 

*Exchanged emails with the high school principal about the upcoming parent teacher conferences.  (I handle the scheduling of all the parent teacher conferences… for the entire high school of 1400 students.  Yeah… that’s a real party.) 

*Printed return labels and boxed up holiday gifts that need to be returned to Amazon.  (Tomorrow, I “get” to take them to the post office.  Yay, me!)

*Verified a huge stack of Explanation of Benefit forms from the insurance company.  They make mistakes, so I have to look at those carefully.

*Called the hospital billing department to sort out a billing error

*Had all of the husband’s prescriptions transferred from our old mail order prescription plan to our new mail order prescription plan

*Set up online access for our new medical insurance.  Since my son is now 18 years old, technically, I am not suppose to have access to his medical information without his consent.  As long as I am paying the bills, I should have access.  Besides, he would prefer I have access because he doesn’t want to deal with this mess.  So even though he is a dependent, he has to have his own account with the insurance company.  Yay… another login name and password to remember.

*Submitted dental claims for the boys dental check ups from right before Christmas

*Exchanged emails with the attorney who is rewriting our wills

*Researched diet information for the husband’s elevated blood sugar

*Started pulling together information for our tax return

In the middle of all that, I still had to do my knee routine:  icing every two hours, foam rolling, and an hour of stretching and strength training.  This was my “easy” day.  Tomorrow will be at least two hours in the gym with my PT guy, plus icing, foam rolling, and stretching at home.  No sewing happened. 

When the husband got home this evening, he asked, “You didn’t work today?”  He meant “You didn’t work AT SCHOOL today,” but he left out those two important little words.  I wanted to throw a frying pan at him, but the boys were there.  Can’t have any witnesses.  I told him I was at my other job today… Secretary of the Home. 

When I learned to knit socks, I initially tried DPNs and promptly abandoned them in favor of circular needles.  The pig was too small for circular needles.  This little oinker
Was cute enough to convince me to try DPNs again.  I love the pig, but I still don't love DPNs, especially metal ones.  I am quickly learning that bamboo needles are my favorite. 

The pattern is available for free at Spud and Chloe. The directions were clear enough for me to easily understand given my novice knitter standing. 

The is Red Heart acrylic.  I know, I know….  sigh.  It is what I had on hand.  That's what happens when i decide to start a project in the middle of the night.  Between the Red Heart and the metal needles, the only thing that saved this project is the incredible cuteness of the little pig. 

I couldn't resist adding a little bow on his tail.  I also added a ribbon so the pig could be a Christmas tree ornament for a friend. 

See the full gallery on Posterous

"Whoever you are, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." ~~Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire

From an early age, I learned to take care of myself, to be fiercely independent.   I have always been the one who helps, never the one who needs help.  This whole knee saga has forced me to accept help from others.  Friends have been amazing.  That didn't particularly surprise me.  I am extremely grateful, but not surprised.  I have incredible friends who do incredible things.  However, I did not count on the kindness of strangers. 

When I was on crutches or wearing a brace, people helped me with packages or held doors open for me.  People were helpful and nice to me.  When I flew to Connecticut to see the specialist, I squirmed in the tiny airplane seat to find a comfortable position for my knee.  The man seated next to me noticed I was in pain.  He asked if wanted to stretch my leg across his knees.  We acknowledged the creepiness and awkwardness of his offer, but I was in so much pain, that I accepted.  The guy sitting next to us cast a few uncomfortable glances.  My human leg rest was a complete and delightful gentleman. 

Once my disability became invisible because I no longer wore a brace, I expected the special treatment to disappear.  Nope.  People are still kind. 

At a gallery show, I chatted with the artist for a few minutes about his work and art in general.  A few days later, a mysterious package was delivered.  The artist sent me one of his pieces with a note, "I wanted you to have this.  My gift to you." 

When the guy came to clean out the gutters, he climbed on the roof and used a leaf blower to blow all the leaves out of the gutters.  I expected him to clean up the leaves and muck that came out of the gutters.  I did not expect him to clean up ALL the leaves in the yard. 

On a cold rainy morning, a darling young man offered to pump my gas for me so I could stay in my warm car. 

I was the last to order at a restaurant because I couldn't decide between two entrees.  When the food was served, the waiter brought the entrée I ordered… and a smaller plate with a sampling of the other entrée.  With a big smile, he said, "I know you really wanted both."  He was right.  Both were delicious and totally consumed.

Of course, there is my amazing PT guy who stays in touch with me, my surgeon, and my new PT guy, even though he has moved out of state.  He continues to research my case, offering suggestions and advice.  He is still my biggest cheerleader when I start to lose motivation.

I went with a friend to listen to her husband's band play Christmas songs at an outdoor cafe.  We ordered drinks and dessert.  The waiter kept our glasses full and my slice of cake was huge.  When we asked for the check, he said, "It's my treat tonight.  I hope you have a great night."  Of course we left him a great tip, but what a sweet surprise. 

I was all set to take photos of my sassy new top and my awesome not quite so new jacket.  Black jeans and fabulous black boots completed the ensemble.  There was a definite swagger today.  When I got home from a super fabulous day, I raced upstairs to take a photo… only to discover that the camera battery is dead…. again… It holds a charge for about 22 seconds.  I really need to buy a new battery.  Perhaps I should stop writing this post and hop over to Amazon. 

Ok, hopped over to Amazon and was not impressed with the prices, so I checked prices on Google.  I found another place that has the battery for $10 less, but I am too lazy to retrieve my wallet from downstairs.  The site as been bookmarked and a new battery *will* be purchased tomorrow. 

Instead of sharing sewing photos, I will share my good, good day.  It started out with a surprise visit from a good friend.  I don't get to see him nearly often enough.  No matter what is going on, he can always make me smile.  After our visit, I went to an arts and craft fair to see another friend who was selling her dichroic glass jewelry.  There wasn't much time to chat because my friend was trying to sell her stuff, but we made plans to have lunch next week.  It was great fun to check out all the different vendors.  Some were beautifully artsy and some were amusingly craftsy.  The glassblower guy invited me to his studio to learn more about glassblowing.  There was another guy who made interesting cuff bracelets from laser cut wood.  He also invited me to check out his studio.  Hmmmm…. perhaps the sassy new outfit had something to do with these invitations…. 

My favorite table at the show was the cupcake lady.  (She did not invite me to her kitchen.)  However, I was ready to marry her because she had maple BACON cupcakes.  OMG  I am in love.  The lemon is also incredibly tasty.  A dozen cupcakes followed me home.  See how pretty they are?  The taste even better. 

The afternoon was topped off by a massage.  My physical therapist "prescribed" the massage.  PT guys spends about 30 minutes "massaging" my leg, but it is not a relaxing, fall asleep on the table massage.  Four letter words and tears are not uncommon.  PT guy suggested a massage the day after our appointment to prevent that day after a hard workout pain.  He said I also deserve a little pampering for all the torture he puts me through.

It took some effort, but I found a massage therapist who specializes in pain management.  He sound fairly smart and normal on the phone.  He really won me over when he did not play any annoying new age or classical music.  No music at all.  A little Ozzy or Nirvana or Zeppelin would have totally worked for me, but no music was better than annoying music.  As he untied the knots in my muscles one by one, we talked about our shared love of our Droid phones.  It was a major geek fest.  It was a blast.  There was no talk of "aligning my chi" or "releasing negative energy."  He did not ask me to find my center or my happy place.  It was awesome. 

He worked the scar tissue for a bit.  For these guys, scar tissue is like a zit… just gotta pop it.  He was impressed that I didn't cry, jump off the table, or swear.  He finished with the relaxing part of the massage.  He even managed to loosen the knot that has plagued my shoulder for months.  Massage guy is new BFF. 

I came home and had another cupcake. 

One man's trash is another man's treasure.  

Sharing the wealth.

Hmmm… how many more cliches can I throw in here?  In less than 15 months, Hubski lost both of his parents and two cousins.  He only has 6 cousins, so that is one third of his cousins gone in only a couple months.  Yeah, it was tough.  His mother died four days after my big knee surgery last September.  When he came to tell me about is mother, I told him I thought I had a blood clot in my leg.  As we sat in the ER, he was on the phone making funeral arrangements.  The nurses decided that was not the time to enforce the "no cell phone" rule.  The nurses and doctors were actually pretty terrific.  A blood clot tends to get you moved to the head of the ER line.  A husband who just found out his mother has died gets you directly to a room with fresh coffee and no waiting for doctors.  Fortunately, there was no clot, but the doctor feared a clot was developing.  I spent the next ten days in bed with my leg above my heart.  Hubski spent the next ten days in Michigan and Pennsylvania arranging his mother's burial.  Yeah, it was a tough time. 

At the end of December, Hubski and his siblings went back to Michigan to clean out their parents' house.  We already have a house full of furniture and more stuff than we need.  For the three weeks he was there, my phone never stopped buzzing with text messages. 

"Do you want the gold lamp?"  I didn't remember a gold lamp and did not really want another lamp… yet the gold lamp was added to our pile. 

"Do you want the blue glassware?"  I didn't remember any blue glassware and we already have too many glasses… yet the blue glassware was added to our pile.  

Two weeks later, a large moving truck backed into my driveway.  My living room and dining room soon filled up with boxes and boxes and furniture and more boxes.  We became the keepers of the things his siblings did not want.  Apparently, donating things to charity was not an option.  They wanted to keep everything "in the family."  I came home one day to discover Hubski had unpacked some boxes.  It was no longer my home.  My home was now filled with my in laws' things.  It looked like their home.  I did not say anything at first.  Over the next few weeks, I gradually removed things and made it my home again.  I finally sat Hubski down and explained that we just did not have room for two households of things.  We picked a few favorite pieces and agreed that the rest just had to find new homes. 

We knew a few college students who were setting up their first apartments.  We asked them to come over with large boxes and take whatever they wanted.  It was fun to see what they deemed treasures, what made them squeal with delight.  They felt greedy, but we insisted that they were doing us a favor by taking it out of our way.  When friends visited, we asked to look through the "collection" and take anything that captured their fancy. 

The collection slowly diminished to the point that the remaining boxes could be moved to the spare bedroom.  We all know that "spare bedroom" is code for "black hole."  It is the place where things go when we want to forget about them.  The plan was to have a garage sale in the spring.  That didn't happen.  Then it was too hot in the summer, but autumn looked promising.  The thought organizing a garage sale was too much.  I thought about calling the thrift shop to pick up everything, but all that stuff was worth a fair amount of money.

My procrastination is going to pay off for a group of dancers.  Several months ago, the dance teacher asked if I would help take a group of dancers to New York for Spring Break 2012.  Normally, I don't like to do travel field trips, but this teacher is fantastic and the dancers are a great group of teenagers.  Because we had enough students sign up for the trip, my ticket will be paid for.  I felt a little guilty.  If I paid my own way, we could divide up the savings to reduce the cost for everyone else.  The dance teacher insisted that I take the free ticket and the students would do fundraising to help defray the cost of their tickets.  

It was fate.  A student suggested the idea of a garage sale.  The image of those boxes in my spare bedroom flashed across my mind.  Perfect!  Dancers are coming to my house to take those boxes from my spare bedroom.  The money from the garage sale will help defray the cost of the trip for the dancers.  My spare bedroom will be a bedroom once again.  I will feel like I am contributing financially to the trip…. and I don't have to run a garage sale!  Of course, I will be at the dancers' garage sale, but it will be fun because this a great group of students. 

The blue glassware and gold lamp are going to a better place by helping a group of fabulous teenagers enjoy a week of Broadway shows and dance classes in New York City. 

Things were kind of coming together this week.  I even sewed!  I traced, cut out, and sewed a whole top this week.  (Okay, it is a super simple long sleeve tee, but still… I get credit, right?)  Physical therapy went well on Monday.  PT guy and I were high fivin’ ourselves for busting through a ton of scar tissue, which helped us figure out that the quad tendon is a major issue.  PT guy discovered that he pressed down on the tendon, I could tighten the quad without pain… except for the pain caused by a large hand with a strangle hold on my tendon.  Since it would be awkward to walk around all day with him strangling my tendon, he taped down the tendon really, really tightly.  I could go up and down stairs without pain!  Being a crafty girl, I immediately discussed design options with PT guy.  Within minutes of returning home, I made a band to restrict my tendon… and it sparkles.  (Hey, that’s TWO things I sewed this week!! Extra credit!)

On Thursday, PT guy and I were feeling incredibly bold and daring, thanks to my sparkly tendon band.  For the first time in months, I was back on the leg press.  After a few shaky reps, I worked my way back up to 70 pounds with one leg.    I knew I would be sore the next day.

The next day…. oh my, “sore” I could have handled.  The knee blew up like a puffer fish and oh so painful…. and the school called.  They desperately needed me to work.  I don’t know how I got through the day.  Students even noticed that I was in pain.  When I got home, I soaked in a hot, hot bath with a very large glass of wine, then went to bed, thinking that I had pushed through the worst part. 

Saturday brought a whole new level of pain and swelling.  I am not allowed to take any pain medication in preparation for a series of injections that I might get in the next few weeks.  Going into work pushed back all of my Friday plans to Saturday.  Raging pain blew up my plans to accomplish anything on Saturday.  And that, my friends, is how why my grasp on organization is so tenuous.  Aside from the usual curve balls life can through, I never know when the pain is going to smack me like the world’s biggest dodge ball.

This morning I was determined to salvage something of this weekend.  C wanted to get the new Simplicity pattern for the men’s jacket.  I looked at the JoAnn’s flyer that said McCall’s patterns were on sale, but somehow read that as “Simplicity” patterns.  When C couldn’t find the pattern in the drawer, I hounded the manager to check in the back for any unopened boxes of patterns.  I must have had a crazed look in my eye, because she did find a copy for us.  I decided to treat myself to a jacket pattern too… because they were “on sale.”  We had patterns, found fabric, and had a delightful time looking at everything.  I had the clerk put the fabrics on two tickets so we could use two coupons.  I had thought all of this through carefully.  As we check out, the totals seem high, but it is hard to do math in your head when you have a knee full of hot, stabbing pain.  As we get to the door, I notice the patterns rang up and the normal 40% off price.  I asked a nearby clerk about the sale.  She informed me Simplicity was on sale last week.  “But the flyer…. oh… it says ‘McCalls’… never mind.” 

For a moment, I thought about returning the patterns and returning to buy them when they went on sale.  It kills me to buy them at regular price.  I was annoyed at myself for being so disorganized with the sale dates.  C felt awful that I went out in pain to get this for him.  I decided to keep the patterns.  In the grand scheme of things, the money is not that big of a deal.  There is no guarantee that my knee will be cooperative the next time there is a sale.  C and I will have snazzy new jackets this fall.  Most importantly, we had fun together.  I should just embrace the concept of free range mice. 

The fabric is the lime green geometric print from JoAnn’s Lisette line of fabric.  Last year, a student used it for a project and I fell in love with the color and print.  On several trips to JoAnn’s, I would pet the fabric, but then resist the urge to buy it… so much fabric already in my possession.  Finally, I caved, with the solemn promise to myself that it would be sewn up before the end of the summer.  It was a race to make that happen.  I have only worn it once because it seems a bit “unseasonable” for October… even if the temperatures are in the 80’s.  September was okay, but October crossed a line.  However, the one day I wore it, I loved it. 

The pattern is yet another from Simplicity’s Project Runway line.  These patterns fit me so well that I cannot stop buying them.  Of course, loving them does not stop me from making modifications.  This view has overlays that cross over the front and tie in the back.  At just shy of five feet tall, I avoid anything that might evoke the image of “little girl.”  A dress with a full-ish skirt and a big bow in the back definitely screams “little girl” a bit too much for me. 

Instead of tying in the back, I altered the overlays so they terminated in the side seams.  (This also saved this project from not having enough fabric.)  To figure out the length of the overlay and placement, I basted the side seams without the overlays.  Then I tried on the dress and fiddled with the overlays until I found the right placement and a pleasing configuration of gathers/pleats at the side seams.  I pinned like crazy, stabbing myself several times in the process.  Then I opened up the basting, tuck in the raw edges of the overlay, and seamed.  I really wanted to keep the overlays because it gives the front some visual interest. 

POCKETS!!! Aside from the killer fit, the inclusion of pockets is my favorite part of this pattern line.  Sure, I can draft my own pocket, but it is just so handy when they do it for me.  I can also churn my own butter, but I don’t see me sitting out on the front porch doing that. 

Sorry that there are no close up photos of the bodice or any photos of the back.  (The back is really cute… check out the pattern here.  I made the version with open back.)  These days, I am grateful when I remember to snap a photo and manage to post it online.