Hurts So Good

Posted on: 24 November, 12

It is another sleepless night.  Pain.  I pushed it and I knew it the whole time.  J is home for the first time since he left for college in the middle of August.  Maybe it is pride, maybe it is maternal martyrdom, but I did not want his first trip home be filled with worry about me.  Having my boy around is a great distraction during the day, but at night, when the house gets quiet it is harder to ignore the pain. 

When the house gets quiet is also when I attack the scar tissue.  PT Guy would be proud.  I am now attacking it so hard that I leave bruises on myself.  Bruises are good.  Bruises mean I am ripping chunks of scar tissue from the muscles.  It's not good that the adhesions keep coming back.  Adhesions are normal after an injury or trauma, like surgery.  They protect the injured area while it heals.  Sometimes, the healing process goes awry and the body won't stop producing scar tissue.  It appears that is the case with me. 

The only treatment is to continuously break it down manually.  I feel around the muscle for painful lumps, then press on them as hard as I can until I feel a pop.  I also roll a piece of PVC pipe along the muscle.  When I find a big adhesion, I press down as I roll the pipe down my leg in an effort to literally rip it off the muscle.  It is as barbaric as it sounds.  If I don't do it, the adhesions will just grow and spread, eventually overtaking the muscle tissue and rendering it useless. 

Inflicting bruises on yourself requires going to very bizarre part of the brain.  It takes a great deal of force and a great deal of self control to continue to apply that force when it hurts like hell.  In a twisted way, it is a release.  Adhesions hurt… a lot.  Getting rid of them feels good, even though I know they will be back.  Breaking them down is intense, but it also releases a lot of endorphins.  Endorphins are good. 

My doctor said diligence is the key.  If left unchecked, these chronic adhesions will grow back bigger and badder in less than 24 hours.  So twice a day, I work myself over with my PVC pipe.  When I get busy and skip a session, the adhesions get aggressive.  That's when I go to PT Guy, tell him I've been a naughty girl and ask him to hurt me. 

In ten days, I will meet with the hip surgeon.  We are all a little terrified of this appointment.  Surgery would fix the torn tendon and bone impingement.  But more trauma means more scar tissue.  Being laid up would mean the adhesions would have free run of my leg for weeks.  Not doing surgery means no relief from the hip pain.  Unless this guy has a magic wand, I am kind of screwed either way. 

For now, I will enjoy having J home for a few days.  He is a great distraction.  I am already counting down the days until he comes home for winter break. 


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